My Post-Bucket List

By Rose Madeline Mula

The other day it dawned on me that it was pointless to have a bucket list.  I have to be realistic and realize that at this stage of my life no way will I have enough time — not to mention energy or money — to complete it.  So I’m converting it to a post-bucket list;  that is, things I plan to do the next time around.

Overlooking Capri harbor from the rotunda at Villa San Michele, Wikimedia Commons

I’ll start with objectives most people consider very mundane.

First, learn to swim.  I never could get the hang of it.  Not that I haven’t tried.  I’m sure my innards are permanently bleached from swallowing a gazillion gallons of chlorine-laced pool water over a lifetime of trying to learn to stay afloat.  The more friends, relatives, and even professional instructors exhorted me to “Relax!” the tenser I became and the faster I sank to the bottom.  How come those metropolis-size cruise ships can float and teeny-tiny (well, by comparison) me can’t?  It’s a moot question at this point.  Even if I could magically learn to swim now, there’s no way I’d appear in public in a bathing suit.

Next, I’d like to be able to ride a bike — one with only two wheels. 

I would also like to ski.  On real skis next time and not just wooden slats with tipped up ends and leather straps that fit over my old galoshes.  I’m hoping for actual ski boots, too; and a real mountain to schuss down instead of just the unplowed street in front of my old house.   I realize I’ll have to wear a helmet, of course (unheard of when I was a child), and this could be a problem.  Helmets give me hat hair.   So I’m putting in my order for long, sleek tresses (blonde would be nice) next time around, instead of the unruly curls I’ve been cursed with this time.  Until then, I’ll have to confine my winter sports experiences to riding a chairlift down, as well as up, a mountain.  Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s an Olympic event for that.

Speaking of Olympic events, I also plan to be a champion figure skater in my next life.  It will be a real challenge, though — not so much executing the actual jumps and gyrations, but figuring out the difference between a salchow, toe loop, axel, lutz…  They all look the same to me.